Nice, Honest and Brave

Today I would like to share the precious advice of my mum in the matter of Love (sorry male reader, this one might sound boring, and at the same time, you'll know what to aim for if you want to find a great girl). I hesitated to do so because it's cheesy but then Love is such an important topic. After all, you can always change jobs, move cities.. But if you marry wrong, it's painful. 

So here I am not talking about that person you'll stay with until you don't. No, here I am talking about "the one" - that person you want to build your life with. 

And it's not just to for the sake of your personal life. Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg famously said in her book "Lean in", "I truly believe that the single most important career decision that a woman makes is whether she will have a life partner and who that partner is."

We probably all have a sub-conscious list of desired attributes: "smart, handsome, fun and a great lover". We tend to be naturally attracted to men displaying these attributes. My mum however has always told me that a man should be 1. nice 2. honest 3. brave. 

I know what you think, this list is boring.

And yet...

"Nice" is definitely underrated, I know more women who want a rich husband than women who care about a nice partner. In my humble experience, nice is so important and not only because it makes our lives so much nicer indeed, but because someone nice is someone who cares... Someone nice is not necessarily someone who pays for dinner and holds the door for you. Someone truly nice will do things for you that involve effort from his side e.g. go out in the rain to buy you a hot chicken soup when you are sick or do things that are just for you, like help you prep you for your interview in their free time. We shall not take this feature for granted. Not all men are truly nice. So let's praise our nice men for being truly nice indeed.

"Honest" because we don't want someone dishonest. Not everything is black or white and it is rare when we can say someone is outright dishonest. However there are persons we know we can trust: they have integrity and we can instantly feel it. And that's what I mean here. We are looking for Captain Americas. I know some people lie to protect their loved ones, but what if they did not do anything wrong to lie about in the first place? Someone honest is less likely to hurt you.

Thirdly, we will need someone "brave" by our sides because life is full of adversity and we'll need someone to be brave with us when things don't go our way. Maybe a family member gets sick, maybe there is a downturn in the economy and we get fired, maybe our kid bullies everyone at school. We cannot have someone who just gives up when things get complicated. We want someone who stays with us through adversity and who can then better enjoy our victories.

 
I guess my mum knew that I was not going to be attracted to someone not smart and not handsome.. So I think it was insightful to have her not-so-boring list.

Finally, I will end the list by saying there is no love without admiration. Being proud of being with someone is the basis of a happy relationship, in my view (actually, my mum also said that). I believe that when you love someone, you want to tell everyone you are with that person. If you don't, there is something going on...

Yes, we all have an opinion on the subject. I have been told "marry rich", I have been told "marry your best friend". There has even been more specific advice stating your "soul mate" (I am not a big fan of the term though) is apparently someone who will absolutely share the same views as you on 1. punctuality 2. orderliness 3. money (quite far from the generic wisdom of my mum but probably a fair point).

I don't mean to have the true answer and I am not about to celebrate my diamond wedding anniversary - I just wanted to share my mum's wisdom and thank her. I think I finally recognise that these are the values I am looking for in someone. It takes time to know what you are after. It is hard to find "the one", especially when you think it's gonna last a loooong time. So good luck everyone in your quest for true love, never give up!