Long distance relationships always puzzled me.
Long distance relationships with no end in sight means the following: "You are so awesome and unique. I live in a city with 3mn inhabitants and you live in a city with 4mn inhabitants. Yet, of all these people I decide I want to be with you. Yes you, the one that lives 6000km away. There is no one else in my 3mn inhabited city that is a better fit for me".
Wow. When you take a step back, it's mind blowing. Love does make you blind. Yes, that person is so truly awesome and special that you'd rather spend hours on your phone or Skype or apart because the small moments you have together are worth the energy and the money you spend trying to build a future together - from two different cities.
I did that a long time ago myself. It was just London - Paris. It was hard. From the moment we were no longer in the same city, it did not last. We were young and we did not have prospects of meeting up in the same city.. and we would have prioritised our careers over our love life any day of the week.. ah the youngsters.. To be honest, I was probably not mature enough to be able to handle such a relationship - it is a real commitment.
I do admire people who make it work. A friend of mine started a relationship like this (Paris - NYC) and after many years of transatlantic communication ended up marrying the girl. They now live happily (ever after?) in the same city.
A friend of mine once said "it seems in your life you are always looking for either one of these 3 things: a job, a boyfriend or a flat".
Also, that same person said that she did not believe that in this day and age, both persons in a couple could be successful in their careers and live in the same city. Someone always had to "give up" and follow the other in whichever city he got the dream job offer. How sad if true. Although I am starting to think it might be true..
Sometimes life is just that complicated and even though reason and logic are against us, we just do these things, test ourselves, test our relationship. That is also how we know better ourselves, what we want from someone, from a relationship and from our lives.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Monday, 9 November 2015
Friday, 11 September 2015
Nice, Honest and Brave
Today I would like to share the precious advice of my mum in the matter of Love (sorry male reader, this one might sound boring, and at the same time, you'll know what to aim for if you want to find a great girl). I hesitated to do so because it's cheesy but then Love is such an important topic. After all, you can always change jobs, move cities.. But if you marry wrong, it's painful.
So here I am not talking about that person you'll stay with until you don't. No, here I am talking about "the one" - that person you want to build your life with.
So here I am not talking about that person you'll stay with until you don't. No, here I am talking about "the one" - that person you want to build your life with.
And it's not just to for the sake of your personal life. Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg famously said in her book "Lean in", "I truly believe that the single most important career decision that a
woman makes is whether she will have a life partner and who that partner
is."
We probably all have a sub-conscious list of desired attributes: "smart, handsome, fun and a great lover". We tend to be naturally attracted to men displaying these attributes. My mum however has always told me that a man should be 1. nice 2. honest 3. brave.
I know what you think, this list is boring.
And yet...
"Honest" because we don't want someone dishonest. Not everything is black or white and it is rare when we can say someone is outright dishonest. However there are persons we know we can trust: they have integrity and we can instantly feel it. And that's what I mean here. We are looking for Captain Americas. I know some people lie to protect their loved ones, but what if they did not do anything wrong to lie about in the first place? Someone honest is less likely to hurt you.
Thirdly, we will need someone "brave" by our sides because life is full of adversity and we'll need someone to be brave with us when things don't go our way. Maybe a family member gets sick, maybe there is a downturn in the economy and we get fired, maybe our kid bullies everyone at school. We cannot have someone who just gives up when things get complicated. We want someone who stays with us through adversity and who can then better enjoy our victories.
I guess my mum knew that I was not going to be attracted to someone not smart and not handsome.. So I think it was insightful to have her not-so-boring list.
Finally, I will end the list by saying there is no love without admiration. Being proud of being with someone is the basis of a happy relationship, in my view (actually, my mum also said that). I believe that when you love someone, you want to tell everyone you are with that person. If you don't, there is something going on...
Yes, we all have an opinion on the subject. I have been told "marry rich", I have been told "marry your best friend". There has even been more specific advice stating your "soul mate" (I am not a big fan of the term though) is apparently someone who
will absolutely share the same views as you on 1. punctuality 2. orderliness 3.
money (quite far from the generic wisdom of my mum but probably a fair point).
I
don't mean to have the true answer and I am not about to celebrate my diamond wedding anniversary - I just wanted to share my mum's wisdom and thank her. I think I finally recognise that these are the values I am looking for in someone. It takes time to know what you are after. It is hard to find "the one", especially when you think it's gonna last a loooong time. So good luck everyone in your quest for true love, never give up!
Monday, 17 August 2015
The defining decade - 30 is not the new 20 (thank god)
Have you heard of "TED talks - ideas worth spreading"? Well it's awesome. I am slightly ashamed to have discovered it only recently, but it's fascinating and I highly recommend it.
I would like to talk about the last TED talk I saw - "30 is not the new 20" by clinical psychologist Meg Jay. You can imagine how intrigued I was by the title seeing I just turned 29 two weeks ago.
In this talk, Meg tells us that because human beings tend to do everything later (study longer, marry later, have kids later, die later), the new 20-something generation has been procrastinating to do "what really matters" (read: build a career, a family, a future) thinking it has all the time in the world. [At my age, my mum had been married for eight years and she already had a 3-year old, two years later my dad left his employer to set up his own accounting practice].
Meg says that the 20-something decade is the one of adult development - with facts at hands: 80% of life's most defining moments take place by age 35; the brain caps off its second and last growth spurts in our 20s as it rewires itself for adulthood; personality changes more in your 20s than at any other period of your life; female fertility peaks at age 28... Basically it's the defining decade.
Thing is, we are being told that we have all the time in the world because apparently we are going to live until we are 120 and therefore we have lost that sense of urgency.. And because of that, she says "nothing happens" (Harsh). This will have consequences because at some point, if we procrastinate too long, we'll be forced to do everything too quickly when we are 30-something. We'll be forced to maybe settle with a husband (so she says - I think I'd rather be alone), give up on having kids, or not be able to give our kid a sibling, we won't have the career we wished for... Frightening thought.
Meg ends the talk by saying that there is hope because 20-something have the ability to listen and can still change the direction of their future (she had to end on a hopeful note, frankly I was a bit depressed listening to her).
It got me thinking about 2 things. 1- how are the 20-something surrounding me doing? 2- what have I done for the last 9 years?
1- Well I am quite proud of my friends. Yes, as a generation, we have been slower at finding out what we like and at taking actions towards our desired career paths. However most of the 20-something I know have moved away from the first job they got a bit randomly and are now in a much better place than even just 2-3 years ago. Some of them were lucky and found the right job straight away, some have quit audit/banking to work in a corporate or a start up, some have even started their own companies and some are still looking for what they really want to do and I think it's great as long as they work towards that.
Again, 2-3 years ago, half of my friends were single or in relationships that were leading nowhere, and now it seems that most of us are either in meaningful relationships or single by choice, but not with someone by default and not single out of laziness. So maybe my group of friends are not representative of all 20-something but it seems to me that we have accelerated the speed of our progression in the last 2-3 years and so even if we took our time in our early 20s, we are now moving at a decent pace. I am reassured, we do have something to show for.
2- What I have done in the last 9 years? Well it was not all simple and straightforward - like most (good? bad?) things in life. I started by studying maths because... ...well I am French. I then was supposed to become a chartered accountant.. That never happened because one summer I took this internship in Investment Banking in IB#1. After that, I dropped Uni in Paris and eventually studied my Masters in Finance here in London. Graduating in 2009 means it took me a few months, two internships and three investment banks to find a full-time job in markets in sales. So I took that job in IB#4 five years ago without really understanding what the job I just took was (in my defense, it was a very specific role that does not exist systematically in other banks). Three years later I changed jobs because I wanted to acquire a hard skillset, still within IB#4. Two years later I decided to leave the industry and do something I am really passionate about and so here I am.
This time though, unlike when I was 24 and I had just graduated and had no job, I am not anxious about my future. I now have 500+ connections on LinkedIn (the grail) and I am proactively managing these relationships, I can read balance sheets, I am much more open-minded to other cultures, people, lifestyles, potential professional opportunities. I am also confident I can make a difference.
My love life has been hectic too and it took me quite some time to understand what was really important to me in a person and in a relationship. I am still researching but I am definitely less lost. My boyfriend is my best friend who understand my aspirations. Also, I have faithful fun reliable true friends (yes, that too comes over the years). Basically my life looks nothing like it was five years ago.
So Meg, I think you were a bit harsh on our generation but I agree with you that the 20s is the defining decade.
No, 30 is not the new 20 but it does not mean that we, soon-to-be 30-something, have to take ourselves too seriously (in a good way): we are (or about to be) 30-something women and we can still go to Ibiza with our friends, we can still eat junk food and we will still dress at "forever 21" sometimes, for fun. Yet we have progressed and grown. We know better what we want to do, who we want to be and with who we want to live and grow old, whether friends or partners. AND on top of it, now we work out :)
Following my very first post, I was asked: "how do you find/know what you love?". It's a bit like, "how do you know he is the one?" (although on that one, mathematicians have insights). It's a very fair question, I will try to address it in my next post.
Until then I'll be proud to say I am about to be 30-something. I would not want to be 20 now and live all this drama again!
Video of the week: Mobula Rays belly flop to attract a mate (BBC)
Remix of the week: Teemid - Crazy feat. Joie Tan (Gnarls Barkley Cover)
I would like to talk about the last TED talk I saw - "30 is not the new 20" by clinical psychologist Meg Jay. You can imagine how intrigued I was by the title seeing I just turned 29 two weeks ago.
In this talk, Meg tells us that because human beings tend to do everything later (study longer, marry later, have kids later, die later), the new 20-something generation has been procrastinating to do "what really matters" (read: build a career, a family, a future) thinking it has all the time in the world. [At my age, my mum had been married for eight years and she already had a 3-year old, two years later my dad left his employer to set up his own accounting practice].
Meg says that the 20-something decade is the one of adult development - with facts at hands: 80% of life's most defining moments take place by age 35; the brain caps off its second and last growth spurts in our 20s as it rewires itself for adulthood; personality changes more in your 20s than at any other period of your life; female fertility peaks at age 28... Basically it's the defining decade.
Thing is, we are being told that we have all the time in the world because apparently we are going to live until we are 120 and therefore we have lost that sense of urgency.. And because of that, she says "nothing happens" (Harsh). This will have consequences because at some point, if we procrastinate too long, we'll be forced to do everything too quickly when we are 30-something. We'll be forced to maybe settle with a husband (so she says - I think I'd rather be alone), give up on having kids, or not be able to give our kid a sibling, we won't have the career we wished for... Frightening thought.
Meg ends the talk by saying that there is hope because 20-something have the ability to listen and can still change the direction of their future (she had to end on a hopeful note, frankly I was a bit depressed listening to her).
It got me thinking about 2 things. 1- how are the 20-something surrounding me doing? 2- what have I done for the last 9 years?
1- Well I am quite proud of my friends. Yes, as a generation, we have been slower at finding out what we like and at taking actions towards our desired career paths. However most of the 20-something I know have moved away from the first job they got a bit randomly and are now in a much better place than even just 2-3 years ago. Some of them were lucky and found the right job straight away, some have quit audit/banking to work in a corporate or a start up, some have even started their own companies and some are still looking for what they really want to do and I think it's great as long as they work towards that.
Again, 2-3 years ago, half of my friends were single or in relationships that were leading nowhere, and now it seems that most of us are either in meaningful relationships or single by choice, but not with someone by default and not single out of laziness. So maybe my group of friends are not representative of all 20-something but it seems to me that we have accelerated the speed of our progression in the last 2-3 years and so even if we took our time in our early 20s, we are now moving at a decent pace. I am reassured, we do have something to show for.
2- What I have done in the last 9 years? Well it was not all simple and straightforward - like most (good? bad?) things in life. I started by studying maths because... ...well I am French. I then was supposed to become a chartered accountant.. That never happened because one summer I took this internship in Investment Banking in IB#1. After that, I dropped Uni in Paris and eventually studied my Masters in Finance here in London. Graduating in 2009 means it took me a few months, two internships and three investment banks to find a full-time job in markets in sales. So I took that job in IB#4 five years ago without really understanding what the job I just took was (in my defense, it was a very specific role that does not exist systematically in other banks). Three years later I changed jobs because I wanted to acquire a hard skillset, still within IB#4. Two years later I decided to leave the industry and do something I am really passionate about and so here I am.
This time though, unlike when I was 24 and I had just graduated and had no job, I am not anxious about my future. I now have 500+ connections on LinkedIn (the grail) and I am proactively managing these relationships, I can read balance sheets, I am much more open-minded to other cultures, people, lifestyles, potential professional opportunities. I am also confident I can make a difference.
My love life has been hectic too and it took me quite some time to understand what was really important to me in a person and in a relationship. I am still researching but I am definitely less lost. My boyfriend is my best friend who understand my aspirations. Also, I have faithful fun reliable true friends (yes, that too comes over the years). Basically my life looks nothing like it was five years ago.
So Meg, I think you were a bit harsh on our generation but I agree with you that the 20s is the defining decade.
No, 30 is not the new 20 but it does not mean that we, soon-to-be 30-something, have to take ourselves too seriously (in a good way): we are (or about to be) 30-something women and we can still go to Ibiza with our friends, we can still eat junk food and we will still dress at "forever 21" sometimes, for fun. Yet we have progressed and grown. We know better what we want to do, who we want to be and with who we want to live and grow old, whether friends or partners. AND on top of it, now we work out :)
Following my very first post, I was asked: "how do you find/know what you love?". It's a bit like, "how do you know he is the one?" (although on that one, mathematicians have insights). It's a very fair question, I will try to address it in my next post.
Until then I'll be proud to say I am about to be 30-something. I would not want to be 20 now and live all this drama again!
Video of the week: Mobula Rays belly flop to attract a mate (BBC)
Remix of the week: Teemid - Crazy feat. Joie Tan (Gnarls Barkley Cover)
Wednesday, 12 August 2015
The pursuit of happiness - it's not all about chocolate and shopping!
I swear all my posts will not be about how to live a happy life.
However.
Have you ever wondered
why this very – very – overweight person is queuing in front of you at
Macdonalds? You can't help but think "dude, why are you eating at Macdonalds when you are obviously so overweight?" (a bit judgmental but so true). Surely that person must know that 1. he/she is overweight
2. being overweight does not make him/her happy 3. eating at Macdonalds does not
help them being less overweight. So we wonder. Why so little logic?
As a woman in my thirties, I have had the extreme pleasure of trying tons of diet of all sorts (even though some for a few hours only) and/or being surrounded by girls who tried many diets too. The protein diet, the no-carbs diet, the caveman diet, the liver diet, the celebrity diet, the vegan diet.. Name it. There are just so many of them, it's madness. I still haven't found the grail recipe of eating lots and being skinny. However, in my search for a real arbitrage in the matter, I came across the infamous and very controversial Dukan diet (from Dr. Pierre Dukan).
We may have experienced, approved, disapproved or even cursed the Dukan diet but there is a point I found insightful in his version 2.0 (aka "The Nutritional Staircase") about serotonin. Also, it explains why Miss or Mister X is queuing at Macdonalds against better judgement. Here it goes:
There was a time when men and women were living a much more hazardous life. They lived in cave and had many predators and had to hunt to get food. So the human body, which is ultra smart, was basically creating serotonin - aka the pleasure hormone - to reward any good behavior that would help them survive. Eating was one of them.
Some several thousand years later, our body still creates serotonin when we eat. Luckily the majority of us don't have to hunt to get food anymore, actually it's quite the opposite. Food is omnipresent, and we are constantly encouraged to consume. Eating too much has actually become the problem. The signals sent by our bodies haven't quite adjusted as fast as our lifestyles. This is why we are still being rewarded when we eat, when in fact, it would be less necessary today than it used to be.
Dukan then comes with a list of things that do not involve eating and are equally likely to create serotonin. He calls the list "the 10 pillars of happiness" in hope that we move away from food to other non-fattening equally rewarding activities.
Here is the list:
1. Sex and family: the need to find a partner and build a family
2. Power: the need to be good at something and be recognized by society for it
3. Home: the need to go back somewhere safe, calm, our territory
4. Nature: the need for green, the love of animals
5. Play: the need to play to learn, communicate, exchange, have fun
6. Group: the need to belong to a community
7. Body: the need to use our body and do a physical activity
8. Sacred: the need to look up for something greater than us
9. Beauty: the need for harmony and esthetic emotions
10. Food: it's the most vital and easiest way to get comfort. A lack of accomplishment in the other fields would apparently push us towards Food even faster.
I love that list! It's a good list to keep in mind and it's reassuring to know there are scientific ways of being or feeling happy. Going for a walk in the park, playing tennis, admiring paintings at the museum or a beautiful sunset - these could all do the trick! Best of all, these activities don't make you fat and they don't make you spend money. It's not all about chocolate and shopping - hurray! Now you too have the list, have fun!
As a woman in my thirties, I have had the extreme pleasure of trying tons of diet of all sorts (even though some for a few hours only) and/or being surrounded by girls who tried many diets too. The protein diet, the no-carbs diet, the caveman diet, the liver diet, the celebrity diet, the vegan diet.. Name it. There are just so many of them, it's madness. I still haven't found the grail recipe of eating lots and being skinny. However, in my search for a real arbitrage in the matter, I came across the infamous and very controversial Dukan diet (from Dr. Pierre Dukan).
We may have experienced, approved, disapproved or even cursed the Dukan diet but there is a point I found insightful in his version 2.0 (aka "The Nutritional Staircase") about serotonin. Also, it explains why Miss or Mister X is queuing at Macdonalds against better judgement. Here it goes:
There was a time when men and women were living a much more hazardous life. They lived in cave and had many predators and had to hunt to get food. So the human body, which is ultra smart, was basically creating serotonin - aka the pleasure hormone - to reward any good behavior that would help them survive. Eating was one of them.
Some several thousand years later, our body still creates serotonin when we eat. Luckily the majority of us don't have to hunt to get food anymore, actually it's quite the opposite. Food is omnipresent, and we are constantly encouraged to consume. Eating too much has actually become the problem. The signals sent by our bodies haven't quite adjusted as fast as our lifestyles. This is why we are still being rewarded when we eat, when in fact, it would be less necessary today than it used to be.
Dukan then comes with a list of things that do not involve eating and are equally likely to create serotonin. He calls the list "the 10 pillars of happiness" in hope that we move away from food to other non-fattening equally rewarding activities.
Here is the list:
1. Sex and family: the need to find a partner and build a family
2. Power: the need to be good at something and be recognized by society for it
3. Home: the need to go back somewhere safe, calm, our territory
4. Nature: the need for green, the love of animals
5. Play: the need to play to learn, communicate, exchange, have fun
6. Group: the need to belong to a community
7. Body: the need to use our body and do a physical activity
8. Sacred: the need to look up for something greater than us
9. Beauty: the need for harmony and esthetic emotions
10. Food: it's the most vital and easiest way to get comfort. A lack of accomplishment in the other fields would apparently push us towards Food even faster.
I love that list! It's a good list to keep in mind and it's reassuring to know there are scientific ways of being or feeling happy. Going for a walk in the park, playing tennis, admiring paintings at the museum or a beautiful sunset - these could all do the trick! Best of all, these activities don't make you fat and they don't make you spend money. It's not all about chocolate and shopping - hurray! Now you too have the list, have fun!
Sunday, 9 August 2015
Pilot - Let's not waste our lives!
So many smart people have told us the importance of doing what we love. We have all seen or read Steve Jobs' infamous Stanford commencement speech. Yes people, "Stay hungry. Stay foolish" Steve says.
So why are we not listening to Steve? Cause Steve was a very smart guy and we all have no doubt about it.
I have been in the banking industry for the last 8 years. I started a summer internship in 2007 in the hot leading investment bank of the moment (it probably still is). My peers were so excited, ambitious, driven. People were indeed hungry.
But somehow, 8 years down the line, I am in another leading investment bank and this time the picture is very different. I am surrounded by people who do not want to be here. They are all a bit tired, disillusioned. They have been through the biggest financial crisis of all time and it seems they never really got out of it. The young ones never really knew the glorious years of free food, free parties, big bonuses and yet are expected to work a lot (that's min. 12 hours per day with no lunch break for those unfamiliar with the industry). They also have realised by now that these years will never be back, at least not for them. The old ones feel a bit stuck because they started to send their kids in private school pre-2007 and bought a big house with an equally big mortgage thinking they will always be able to afford it.
So, what happened? The motives were simply not good enough. I have met a lot of people in my career and very few of my colleagues actually have a love of financial markets. The majority of people I know chose this path because it was trendy, interesting and it made money. Today, in my team, it seems everyone would rather be somewhere else. And there is some comfort in sharing that with your colleagues, always jokingly of course - cause you never know. Complaining together is part of the ritual, and it brings each other sympathy and solidarity. And you need it when the job is not really your passion.
For me though, it was a trigger in deciding to live a new life. Hearing all these people complaining did not make me feel better about my own situation. It just opened my eyes (see one of my favourite fable La Besace from La Fontaine). Do I want to become my boss (sometimes a criteria to know if you are in the right place)? Do I want to ever feel trapped in a job I don't really like because I got accustomed to an expensive lifestyle? Do I want to reach the point where I feel "I don't have a choice"? As a minion once said: "Eeeeeer no".
So I decided to leave to do something I am passionate about so I can have a shot of having a great career indeed. Actually, passionate is not even enough: I want to be like this guy and be obsessed about what I do.
It sounds scary. This is probably why most of us haven't done it. Yes, some friends will not understand why I quit a low 6 figure salary job to do "something I love". And this is why I write today: it's actually easy if you remember the below. One of my best friends made me realise the most important thing that I have learnt so far in my humble life:
So, beloved reader, if every day you are more or less waiting for the end of the day to start living, I urge you to reconsider your life choices. Listen to Steve, to my friend or find a way to understand how important this is.
Be brave, stay hungry, stay foolish. We don't know what tomorrow will be made of, and we can't live life as if today was our last day, but we have to build a life we do not need to escape from and we might as well start today. We have only one life and this is it, this is now.
So why are we not listening to Steve? Cause Steve was a very smart guy and we all have no doubt about it.
I have been in the banking industry for the last 8 years. I started a summer internship in 2007 in the hot leading investment bank of the moment (it probably still is). My peers were so excited, ambitious, driven. People were indeed hungry.
But somehow, 8 years down the line, I am in another leading investment bank and this time the picture is very different. I am surrounded by people who do not want to be here. They are all a bit tired, disillusioned. They have been through the biggest financial crisis of all time and it seems they never really got out of it. The young ones never really knew the glorious years of free food, free parties, big bonuses and yet are expected to work a lot (that's min. 12 hours per day with no lunch break for those unfamiliar with the industry). They also have realised by now that these years will never be back, at least not for them. The old ones feel a bit stuck because they started to send their kids in private school pre-2007 and bought a big house with an equally big mortgage thinking they will always be able to afford it.
So, what happened? The motives were simply not good enough. I have met a lot of people in my career and very few of my colleagues actually have a love of financial markets. The majority of people I know chose this path because it was trendy, interesting and it made money. Today, in my team, it seems everyone would rather be somewhere else. And there is some comfort in sharing that with your colleagues, always jokingly of course - cause you never know. Complaining together is part of the ritual, and it brings each other sympathy and solidarity. And you need it when the job is not really your passion.
For me though, it was a trigger in deciding to live a new life. Hearing all these people complaining did not make me feel better about my own situation. It just opened my eyes (see one of my favourite fable La Besace from La Fontaine). Do I want to become my boss (sometimes a criteria to know if you are in the right place)? Do I want to ever feel trapped in a job I don't really like because I got accustomed to an expensive lifestyle? Do I want to reach the point where I feel "I don't have a choice"? As a minion once said: "Eeeeeer no".
So I decided to leave to do something I am passionate about so I can have a shot of having a great career indeed. Actually, passionate is not even enough: I want to be like this guy and be obsessed about what I do.
It sounds scary. This is probably why most of us haven't done it. Yes, some friends will not understand why I quit a low 6 figure salary job to do "something I love". And this is why I write today: it's actually easy if you remember the below. One of my best friends made me realise the most important thing that I have learnt so far in my humble life:
It is hard to convey how this idea changed my life. Life is precious. We should absolutely love it."Everyday that I do a job I dislike, I waste a day. I waste a day of my life.And if every day I am not enjoying my day but instead, I am waiting for the end of the day, and if I can realise that my life is made of all these days, well I am in fact waiting for the end of my life. I am wasting my life."
So, beloved reader, if every day you are more or less waiting for the end of the day to start living, I urge you to reconsider your life choices. Listen to Steve, to my friend or find a way to understand how important this is.
Be brave, stay hungry, stay foolish. We don't know what tomorrow will be made of, and we can't live life as if today was our last day, but we have to build a life we do not need to escape from and we might as well start today. We have only one life and this is it, this is now.
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